Through this journey to healing I want to like you again, I want to look at you and NOT feel so angry and sick.

I have a snapshot, and somewhere an oil painting, of me and Jay. The photo was taken in a studio, we are dressed in our navy and white Easter outfits. He is about two so I was nine. We are so happy with life and each other. His hands are clasped together and you can see the excitement in his eyes. I look like a proud big sister. I cry every time I look at it. Because we were so innocent and had no idea what lie ahead for us.

I want to look at a picture of you and feel that way. I hate the way I want to strangle you each time I hear your voice. I see the photos of you and just put them to the side. I will not destroy them. Perhaps you will heal your life and want those or perhaps my heart and mind will heal and I will want to look at them again.

That time is not now.