It has been HOT here the past few days and looks like it will be for the next few. Makes me think of you. I hope you are still at SA, at least I know you can be cool and SAFE. It is so much easier to get warm than to cool off when in a situation such as your's.

I want you to be safe. Safe from the criminals I know you have dealt with in the past. Safe from the weather elements (just watch the news regarding the midwest states). Safe from yourself.

Of all the above I believe the one I worry about the most is safe from yourself. You have always been your own worst enemy.

I love you.

Through this journey to healing I want to like you again, I want to look at you and NOT feel so angry and sick.

I have a snapshot, and somewhere an oil painting, of me and Jay. The photo was taken in a studio, we are dressed in our navy and white Easter outfits. He is about two so I was nine. We are so happy with life and each other. His hands are clasped together and you can see the excitement in his eyes. I look like a proud big sister. I cry every time I look at it. Because we were so innocent and had no idea what lie ahead for us.

I want to look at a picture of you and feel that way. I hate the way I want to strangle you each time I hear your voice. I see the photos of you and just put them to the side. I will not destroy them. Perhaps you will heal your life and want those or perhaps my heart and mind will heal and I will want to look at them again.

That time is not now.

Once More

Of course since you called yesterday I didn't sleep last night. Murphy's Law.

I thought about my best friend last night while I wrestled with how I feel about you. I thought about the fact that she and I may talk one day about her and her family. The next time we may talk about my family, the next time we may talk about both families or neither family. Sometimes we just talk about how we are feeling about the gas prices, the economy, the world at large. But we talk. We are equal in caring about each other. But you....you care about no one but you.

My sons talk with each other a great deal since they live in different states. Neither of them talk with their sister on the phone much. But when they all get together it's as if they have talked to each other every day. There is a bond that nothing can break.

You and I don't have a bond. Your idea of a bond is I give and you take. I'm not having any of that any more, ever again.

Did you know my mother died last June? Yeah I know your mother died last June, but did you know mine did too? Do you care that I lost the woman who gave life to me, I lost the last parent I had. I lost a best friend. Did you know that? I suppose not; you lost the person who allowed you to live in HER house and not help in any way. I still grieve for the person I lost. The last person who knew me as a child on an every day basis.

I know you lost your mother. And I do care. But what about me? Does that ever cross your mind.

In Another Life

Had you taken a different path you could have been a politician based on the voice msg I just listened to.

I didn't take the call when I saw the area code and didn't recognize the phone number. I was afraid it may be you. Every time I hear your voice, see your hand writing or even think a call may be you the hair on the back of my neck stands up. My stomach turns over and I feel as if I may be sick.

That's crazy.

It's completely insane that one person can make me feel this way.

Here's what I got from your message. Thank you for the card and send me money. No you didn't say send me money, you didn't even ask. You said you couldn't call because it cost money and you didn't have any money. Poor, poor, pitiful you. So what did you do - call from the doctor's office. Do you know they pay money for their phones? Contary to what you appraently believe people have to pay for the things in life they want!

I am not sending you money.

I think I may sell Jane's piano. Guess there isn't much sense in trying to discuss that with you though. You haven't held ANYTHING close to your heart because it was close to her's. She played beautifully; by ear; didn't even need a sheet of music but could play from that as well. She was brilliant when she sat down at that piano. It's going to break my heart to sell it.

However I have no room for it, don't play that well, don't really have time to practice and I think having that piano will only make me grieve for her more. If that is even possible.

My neighbor leads music worship at his church and has three small children. I have spoken to him about donating to the church but their church meets in a school and cannot use. But he may be interested in buying. I am thinking a very small charge, then that money can go to the funeral home.

Do you remember asking me to leave her sewing machine when I was cleaning out the house? You said you needed to hem some pants. My family begged me to take it considering my sewing business but no I wanted to leave because you asked for it. They said you were a liar and would only sell it for drug money, I KNEW what you would do with it. And you did. Took it to the pawn shop. You must surely be their best customer.

I know you took so many of Mom's tools there over the years and she simply paid for them and took them home. It was a vicious cycle of you stealing, her covering up until I pulled it out of her, then her picking up the stuff and you stealing it again.

I am so thankful I am not you.

Yesterday I bought a card for you, today I mailed it and now I am second guessing that.

I am one of those people who will not send a card if I don't agree 100% with what it says, how it looks and so forth. I cannot sign my name to something carelessly. Picking the card out was difficult.

Deciding what to write inside was difficult. The card lay on the dining room table all evening taunting me; "what will you say", "will you speak your heart", "don't be uncaring".....etc....

Finally at 10:00 I sat down with a pen and wrote from my heart; but only one corner. The rest I hold close to me as I cannot take anymore hurt from you.

I didn't say anything about what you have done to all of us. I only said I am proud of you for taking the steps you have and that if you will hold what you learn close your life will be forever changed for the good. It was exactly how I feel.

I didn't send any money and I won't.

I love you.

Well you have done it again. No sleep last night, well I did sleep just woke up alot and you were the first thing on my mind. Then I struggled to go back to sleep.

Today I received a call from the cementary that the marker for Jay has been put down. Mom had paid the majority of that and I finished paying. I left everything you and she selected as it was. If you go by there guess you will see it.

You don't know Mom said the wrong person died when Jay passed away. I don't suppose you know she said that on the day you broke into the LOCKED room where Jay kept his gun collection, stole those and did Lord knows what with the cash. Her heart was really broken that day, she wanted to know how you could steal from your dead brother. I wondered the same thing. That day was my birthday and thanks for the memories. My own mother didn't say happy birthday for two years thanks to you and your selfish life style.

Hey I think this blog thing is working the knots in my stomach are gone for this morning. Now if I can only sleep tonight. I am still trying to think what to write in a letter to you. I cannot and will not say what I really think and feel; you would be crushed.

Your letter arrived today and my first thought was to throw it in the trash. Then I thought that might be bad "karma" (as you said once) so maybe I should shred it at the office tomorrow. But maybe I shouldn't have it in the house overnight; no one may be able to sleep.

That's anger talking; and disgust and sorrow, regret. And not wanting to put myself out there again.

I will say this; that is the first time I have heard you say you miss Mom. Thank you. I was thinking maybe you really were as selfish and callous as everyone said.

I am really trying to understand how you got to where you are but I'm having a difficult time. I believe we both had the same parents and I find it impossible to believe they changed that much between raising me and raising you. IMPOSSIBLE! Some where you made a very wrong turn...I pray you can turn the other way.

I apologize for this but here is what I read in your six page letter: You will have no where to go in one year, a friend brought you some money and cigarettes and you can have more but the money can only be cash, you miss Mom and I am the only one you have left in the world.

I am still processing all that and trying to determine how I feel and how I should react. I will most likely write you but you won't get cigarettes or money from me.

By the way, I do love you and I pray for you each day. However I will not step into the role Mom had with you.

• I won't take care of you because there is nothing wrong with you and you are more than capable of taking care of yourself. Do some good.




• I won't support you financially.




• I won't support your drug habit.




• You cannot live with me.




• I will not let you run over me as you did Mom.




• I do love you but I cannot take it.

Almost Mother's Day

I just wanted to let you know that it's been almost a year; one year on Mother's Day. One year since I last saw Jane.

I went home last Mother's Day just to spend the day with her. Did you know that? Do you care? Does the upcoming Mother's Day mean anything at all to you?

Last year Mom and I went to see her friend, Donna. Donna had cancer and was in the Hospice Center, lunch and some bonding at the mall. Donna passed away that evening and I am so thankful Mom was able to see her, letting her know how much she loved her. Donna felt the same way.

I am praying you are progressing through recovery and learning to be a productive member of society. I don't pray you choose the life I have; I don't care about that. I only care that this time you change your life forever and then find a lifestyle for yourself that doesn't include the things, and people, of your past. This may be your last opportunity. There is no where, no one for you to fall back on, this has to be it. You have always been able to run home, and lean on Mom. You have to learn to stand for yourself, on your own feet, and lean only on God.

I love you.