Well you have done it again. No sleep last night, well I did sleep just woke up alot and you were the first thing on my mind. Then I struggled to go back to sleep.

Today I received a call from the cementary that the marker for Jay has been put down. Mom had paid the majority of that and I finished paying. I left everything you and she selected as it was. If you go by there guess you will see it.

You don't know Mom said the wrong person died when Jay passed away. I don't suppose you know she said that on the day you broke into the LOCKED room where Jay kept his gun collection, stole those and did Lord knows what with the cash. Her heart was really broken that day, she wanted to know how you could steal from your dead brother. I wondered the same thing. That day was my birthday and thanks for the memories. My own mother didn't say happy birthday for two years thanks to you and your selfish life style.

Hey I think this blog thing is working the knots in my stomach are gone for this morning. Now if I can only sleep tonight. I am still trying to think what to write in a letter to you. I cannot and will not say what I really think and feel; you would be crushed.

Your letter arrived today and my first thought was to throw it in the trash. Then I thought that might be bad "karma" (as you said once) so maybe I should shred it at the office tomorrow. But maybe I shouldn't have it in the house overnight; no one may be able to sleep.

That's anger talking; and disgust and sorrow, regret. And not wanting to put myself out there again.

I will say this; that is the first time I have heard you say you miss Mom. Thank you. I was thinking maybe you really were as selfish and callous as everyone said.

I am really trying to understand how you got to where you are but I'm having a difficult time. I believe we both had the same parents and I find it impossible to believe they changed that much between raising me and raising you. IMPOSSIBLE! Some where you made a very wrong turn...I pray you can turn the other way.

I apologize for this but here is what I read in your six page letter: You will have no where to go in one year, a friend brought you some money and cigarettes and you can have more but the money can only be cash, you miss Mom and I am the only one you have left in the world.

I am still processing all that and trying to determine how I feel and how I should react. I will most likely write you but you won't get cigarettes or money from me.

By the way, I do love you and I pray for you each day. However I will not step into the role Mom had with you.

• I won't take care of you because there is nothing wrong with you and you are more than capable of taking care of yourself. Do some good.




• I won't support you financially.




• I won't support your drug habit.




• You cannot live with me.




• I will not let you run over me as you did Mom.




• I do love you but I cannot take it.

Almost Mother's Day

I just wanted to let you know that it's been almost a year; one year on Mother's Day. One year since I last saw Jane.

I went home last Mother's Day just to spend the day with her. Did you know that? Do you care? Does the upcoming Mother's Day mean anything at all to you?

Last year Mom and I went to see her friend, Donna. Donna had cancer and was in the Hospice Center, lunch and some bonding at the mall. Donna passed away that evening and I am so thankful Mom was able to see her, letting her know how much she loved her. Donna felt the same way.

I am praying you are progressing through recovery and learning to be a productive member of society. I don't pray you choose the life I have; I don't care about that. I only care that this time you change your life forever and then find a lifestyle for yourself that doesn't include the things, and people, of your past. This may be your last opportunity. There is no where, no one for you to fall back on, this has to be it. You have always been able to run home, and lean on Mom. You have to learn to stand for yourself, on your own feet, and lean only on God.

I love you.