Okay so last week you let Frank know you have an email account and we can stay in touch that way. That is less confrontational so I appreciate that. Thank you.

I haven't even tried to send you any message; honestly I had no idea what to say. I don't want to fill an email what my fears and regrets for you. Nor do I want to fill it with my normal life doings. I don't believe either of those is fair to you. The flip side of that however is you wouldn't care if it was fair to me or not. But let's not travel that road tonight.

I didn't sleep a bit last night for knowing that tonight, without fail, I was commited to sending contact to you. Well I did. So it is done. Until the next time.

I am trying to love you without fear.

Why?

I am starting this blog because it will be so much cheaper than therapy, will save time, will save my husband's nerves and perhaps mine, perhaps I will stop crying as much and maybe just maybe the facts, dreams and frustrations will save, or at the least, help someone else who may be living in this hell. David's hell is self-imposed. But in his self-imposed hell he has taken his mother, his brother, sister, nephews and niece to the edge of the abyss. We have all seen it and each of us have tried to pull him back. It has not worked. He continues in what he has known. I am afraid. Not for me but for him.